I remember it was
But no longer is
What could have been
Will no longer be
It's a slow fade
To forget
Or even to have to remember
Solidity becomes spirit
Warmth becomes cool
The present is the past
Living in a ghost
Like a knife
During the day stabs
Haunts your dreams
In the dark of the night
When you fall
There is nothing there to catch you
It is all shadows
Fake, false promises
Reach out for safety
And find your hands slip through
Left alone, behind
Shadows of the past
It was
But no longer is
It could have been
But will never be
It brings a smile to your lips
But an ache to your heart
A tear to your eye
A warmth to your spirit
Torn, don't want to forget
But it hurts to remember
Like the image of a footprint
On the sand
Slow to fade away
The signs are still there
Imprinted, reminding
Time passes
The print fades
But it is not gone
Remembering it is there
Forget and it is done
The destiny of all things
To pass and live only
In the land of things eternal
To be remembered.
Monday, October 5, 2009
the sinner's plea
I'm tired of stumbling in the darkness
And being blinded by the light
I'm tired of losing battles, I no longer want to fight
My soul is beaten, battered
My heart is tired and torn
My body is so broken, my mind is worn
All I want is peace, just a little joy
I'm tired of being tossed around like some old useless toy
Like a yen without a yang, like a ship without a sail
I fell like no matter what I try all I do is fail
It's not that I don't want to work
Or I don't want to try
But all the hurt and frustration makes me want to cry
I'm all alone and lost wandering around
Give me wings to fly instead of crawling on the ground
I wish, I wait, I wonder as time goes by
With every new heartache my soul slowly dies
I feel so alone, so abandon and forgotten
No one cares what they step on,
Where their footprints trodden
And as the dreams go by I begin to lust
All I want is happiness, that is all I ask
Yet no one can provide this easily filled task
In my many trials I try to fill the hole
With different pills and alcohol but in the end I know
That I will still be empty, nothing will quite do
I've slowly come to realize what I need is you
Through the joy I see in others, the smiles on their faces
Makes me want to follow them to all of the places,
That they go and see where they find it all
The place I've come to realize is not a place at all
Instead it is a God full of mercy and of grace
Can he save this sinner from this lonely place?
He gave me white upon birth, I've turned it into black
And now I am afraid it's too late to go back
Alone it's true I'm helpless, there's nothing I can do
But the love of God will always see me through.
And being blinded by the light
I'm tired of losing battles, I no longer want to fight
My soul is beaten, battered
My heart is tired and torn
My body is so broken, my mind is worn
All I want is peace, just a little joy
I'm tired of being tossed around like some old useless toy
Like a yen without a yang, like a ship without a sail
I fell like no matter what I try all I do is fail
It's not that I don't want to work
Or I don't want to try
But all the hurt and frustration makes me want to cry
I'm all alone and lost wandering around
Give me wings to fly instead of crawling on the ground
I wish, I wait, I wonder as time goes by
With every new heartache my soul slowly dies
I feel so alone, so abandon and forgotten
No one cares what they step on,
Where their footprints trodden
And as the dreams go by I begin to lust
All I want is happiness, that is all I ask
Yet no one can provide this easily filled task
In my many trials I try to fill the hole
With different pills and alcohol but in the end I know
That I will still be empty, nothing will quite do
I've slowly come to realize what I need is you
Through the joy I see in others, the smiles on their faces
Makes me want to follow them to all of the places,
That they go and see where they find it all
The place I've come to realize is not a place at all
Instead it is a God full of mercy and of grace
Can he save this sinner from this lonely place?
He gave me white upon birth, I've turned it into black
And now I am afraid it's too late to go back
Alone it's true I'm helpless, there's nothing I can do
But the love of God will always see me through.
take the wheel
I drove down the road going quickly but safely. Purpose and goals drove me onward to the promise of good things. The road was straight and smooth with some traffic but not blocking my way. I counted down the miles to the half way point of my destination. Each sign I read as I drove by affirmed I was where I needed to be. The day was a perfect day for driving; sunny with blue skies, white poufy clouds and endless potential. Soft music spilled out of the speakers, calm and soothing. Fresh air rolled through the open windows.
Finally I arrived to the halfway point and stopped to refill my tank and get snacks. I knew exactly where I was going, having planned the whole trip on my road map. I stepped up to the plastic cold counter and, feeling a little rebellious, picked up a pack of cigarettes too. Never having smoked this was a surprising decision, but I had already made it this far doing the same thing, time to try something new. Everyone always says expand your horizons, although I don’t think this is what they meant.
I pulled back out onto the road. Few cars passed me but I was in no hurry. The flame from my lighter burst up allowing me to inhale that first drag. One hand was on the steering wheel, the other out the window with the cigarette, I drove on. A fork in the road came up, right or left. I knew the map said go right, continue on the same straight road. But a voice in my ear whispered go left. I knew the left would lead me to the same destination, it was just windier. I decided to go left and see where it would take me. Out of the way this road had less traffic and a slower speed limit but I ignored both, cruising along, still in control. The cd that had been playing ended and I rummaged through my glove box to find something new. An unmarked disc caught my eye and I put it in, curious. The music was heavy with a deep bass that rattled the windows. I enjoyed the new beat. Another fork came up and this time I didn’t think, just went left. I figured if I got lost I could always turn around. The road banked a little more here, preventing me from seeing what was ahead all the time. Sharper turns made me change my driving style a little. I allowed the car to slide more, giving into the curves. This road was even more obscure so there was little risk of running into a cop.
Another fork came up and I knew going right would lead me back to the main drag. The old road and destination held no interest anymore. Going straight, heading for my old goal seemed boring, like something from long ago. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to reach my past destination, although I knew I was still close enough to go there. A sharp turn caught me off guard and I fishtailed but regained control. Perhaps I had been going a little recklessly. My speed slowed down and I wondered for the first time if I should turn around. The sign I passed made me realize I didn’t know where I was or where I was going. Unfortunately the road did not lend to such a decision, I would have to wait for a gas station or something. I drove on and slowly my speedometer crept up again to breakneck speeds. No goal or purpose drove me on, just adrenaline and curiosity. Who cared where I was supposed to be, just go along and enjoy the ride.
The sky began to darken and black clouds loomed on the horizon. A few drops of rain splattered on the windshield, growing in number but still light. I enjoyed the sound of the drops hitting my car. The wet made things more dangerous but also made me happy so I continued on ignoring the danger and reveling in the benefits. I passed a sign, ignoring it as I was going too fast to read. Another popped up, something about slowing speed. I was still in control I didn’t need someone else to tell me what to do. Suddenly a sharp turn caught me. Total loss of control and panic engulfed me as the car hydroplaned. Everything was spinning in chaos.
“car going recklessly fast and the driver apparently lost. Road empty of people or patrol.” The police report read. Because the road had been empty it had taken a while for anyone to notice the accident. “If only the driver had been paying attention to the warning signs, going slower, or if she had been on the main drag things might have been different,” the cops said. Control might have been regained if she had had both hands on the wheel and not been distracted by the music, things could have been different. Family and friends didn’t know how this happened. The girl they had watched leave was calculating, safe, logical not self destructive and reckless. This didn’t sound like her. But the girl who got in the car and the one they pulled out were two different people who shared the same fate.
Finally I arrived to the halfway point and stopped to refill my tank and get snacks. I knew exactly where I was going, having planned the whole trip on my road map. I stepped up to the plastic cold counter and, feeling a little rebellious, picked up a pack of cigarettes too. Never having smoked this was a surprising decision, but I had already made it this far doing the same thing, time to try something new. Everyone always says expand your horizons, although I don’t think this is what they meant.
I pulled back out onto the road. Few cars passed me but I was in no hurry. The flame from my lighter burst up allowing me to inhale that first drag. One hand was on the steering wheel, the other out the window with the cigarette, I drove on. A fork in the road came up, right or left. I knew the map said go right, continue on the same straight road. But a voice in my ear whispered go left. I knew the left would lead me to the same destination, it was just windier. I decided to go left and see where it would take me. Out of the way this road had less traffic and a slower speed limit but I ignored both, cruising along, still in control. The cd that had been playing ended and I rummaged through my glove box to find something new. An unmarked disc caught my eye and I put it in, curious. The music was heavy with a deep bass that rattled the windows. I enjoyed the new beat. Another fork came up and this time I didn’t think, just went left. I figured if I got lost I could always turn around. The road banked a little more here, preventing me from seeing what was ahead all the time. Sharper turns made me change my driving style a little. I allowed the car to slide more, giving into the curves. This road was even more obscure so there was little risk of running into a cop.
Another fork came up and I knew going right would lead me back to the main drag. The old road and destination held no interest anymore. Going straight, heading for my old goal seemed boring, like something from long ago. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to reach my past destination, although I knew I was still close enough to go there. A sharp turn caught me off guard and I fishtailed but regained control. Perhaps I had been going a little recklessly. My speed slowed down and I wondered for the first time if I should turn around. The sign I passed made me realize I didn’t know where I was or where I was going. Unfortunately the road did not lend to such a decision, I would have to wait for a gas station or something. I drove on and slowly my speedometer crept up again to breakneck speeds. No goal or purpose drove me on, just adrenaline and curiosity. Who cared where I was supposed to be, just go along and enjoy the ride.
The sky began to darken and black clouds loomed on the horizon. A few drops of rain splattered on the windshield, growing in number but still light. I enjoyed the sound of the drops hitting my car. The wet made things more dangerous but also made me happy so I continued on ignoring the danger and reveling in the benefits. I passed a sign, ignoring it as I was going too fast to read. Another popped up, something about slowing speed. I was still in control I didn’t need someone else to tell me what to do. Suddenly a sharp turn caught me. Total loss of control and panic engulfed me as the car hydroplaned. Everything was spinning in chaos.
“car going recklessly fast and the driver apparently lost. Road empty of people or patrol.” The police report read. Because the road had been empty it had taken a while for anyone to notice the accident. “If only the driver had been paying attention to the warning signs, going slower, or if she had been on the main drag things might have been different,” the cops said. Control might have been regained if she had had both hands on the wheel and not been distracted by the music, things could have been different. Family and friends didn’t know how this happened. The girl they had watched leave was calculating, safe, logical not self destructive and reckless. This didn’t sound like her. But the girl who got in the car and the one they pulled out were two different people who shared the same fate.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
kiss the enemy
Kiss the enemy, ‘cause the hero leaves again
Off to save the world, protect and defend
Leaves you standing there feeling like a fool
Try to play it off, act like its all cool
Who says right always wins?
Don’t go through this again
The hero’s off to save the day, or didn’t you hear oh?
But who will rescue you when you need it too?
The enemy may run and hide away
But at least he’s always there to say
Whatever you may need to hear
Which is the greater fear?
Is kissing the enemy worse than being left alone?
A hero may be brave but can't even answer his own phone
When you need him, he can’t always be there,every day
And you’ll be left standing there until you say:
Well I’m not waiting anymore
I’m leaving, walking out that door
Head toward my worst enemy
Forever leaving, now, today
To the world the hero may be,
The end all and be all but to you
He’s just another man who has broken your heart
Run to the enemy and make a new start
Find an inner strength it’s time to move on
Walk away, from sunset until dawn
Find the enemy who was there all along
To the world the enemy may be,
Everyone’s nightmare but only you can see
What he’s really like and how he treats you right
Always there for you through the day and night
Who needs a man who hides behind a mask?
I want a man who I know will always last
Kiss the enemy, ‘cause the hero leaves again
Off to save the world, protect and defend
Leaves you standing there feeling like a fool
Time to walk away, you’re nobody’s tool.
Kiss the enemy, ‘cause the hero leaves again
Off to save the world, protect and defend
Leaves you standing there feeling like a fool
Try to play it off act like its all cool
Who says right always wins?
Don’t go through this again.
Kiss the enemy.
Off to save the world, protect and defend
Leaves you standing there feeling like a fool
Try to play it off, act like its all cool
Who says right always wins?
Don’t go through this again
The hero’s off to save the day, or didn’t you hear oh?
But who will rescue you when you need it too?
The enemy may run and hide away
But at least he’s always there to say
Whatever you may need to hear
Which is the greater fear?
Is kissing the enemy worse than being left alone?
A hero may be brave but can't even answer his own phone
When you need him, he can’t always be there,every day
And you’ll be left standing there until you say:
Well I’m not waiting anymore
I’m leaving, walking out that door
Head toward my worst enemy
Forever leaving, now, today
To the world the hero may be,
The end all and be all but to you
He’s just another man who has broken your heart
Run to the enemy and make a new start
Find an inner strength it’s time to move on
Walk away, from sunset until dawn
Find the enemy who was there all along
To the world the enemy may be,
Everyone’s nightmare but only you can see
What he’s really like and how he treats you right
Always there for you through the day and night
Who needs a man who hides behind a mask?
I want a man who I know will always last
Kiss the enemy, ‘cause the hero leaves again
Off to save the world, protect and defend
Leaves you standing there feeling like a fool
Time to walk away, you’re nobody’s tool.
Kiss the enemy, ‘cause the hero leaves again
Off to save the world, protect and defend
Leaves you standing there feeling like a fool
Try to play it off act like its all cool
Who says right always wins?
Don’t go through this again.
Kiss the enemy.
Friday, July 10, 2009
The Stage
Scripted lines, destined scenes
One actor plays off another
Acting with false words and gestures
Staged conversations and fake emotions
The scene's played out
The enemy takes the hero, the heroin cries
Neither has said goodbye
Read between the lines
Listen through the lies
Heroine readies for war
Hope pulses through her veins
The sun rises with the dawn of battle
Hand to hand, enemy and heroin
Love is victorious, love conquers all
The helmet falls, a truth revealed
Face to face, hero and heroin
The heroin's shield is broken
Her sword is dull
The cry of battle still rings in her ears
Blood covers her hands
Crimson floods the field
An army of friends has fallen
Worn and tired
Beaten and broken
She's felt the pride of victory
Now the humility of defeat
She falls before the hero
He raises his sword in certain victory
Hero and enemy, all the same
The heroin reaches for her dagger
Each has said their lines
Acted their parts
Her part has ended,
Exit stage left
The hero's sword gleams in the fading light
Clean, unstained
A lone red dagger lies before him
Love is victorious, love conquers all
The sun sets as darkness rises
Read between the lines,
Listen through the lies
Act II begins.
One actor plays off another
Acting with false words and gestures
Staged conversations and fake emotions
The scene's played out
The enemy takes the hero, the heroin cries
Neither has said goodbye
Read between the lines
Listen through the lies
Heroine readies for war
Hope pulses through her veins
The sun rises with the dawn of battle
Hand to hand, enemy and heroin
Love is victorious, love conquers all
The helmet falls, a truth revealed
Face to face, hero and heroin
The heroin's shield is broken
Her sword is dull
The cry of battle still rings in her ears
Blood covers her hands
Crimson floods the field
An army of friends has fallen
Worn and tired
Beaten and broken
She's felt the pride of victory
Now the humility of defeat
She falls before the hero
He raises his sword in certain victory
Hero and enemy, all the same
The heroin reaches for her dagger
Each has said their lines
Acted their parts
Her part has ended,
Exit stage left
The hero's sword gleams in the fading light
Clean, unstained
A lone red dagger lies before him
Love is victorious, love conquers all
The sun sets as darkness rises
Read between the lines,
Listen through the lies
Act II begins.
Friday, July 3, 2009
The Sea
Floating along, doing just fine. Sun on the face, clouds above and sea below. Then the waters get a tougher, a little rougher. Start moving around a little to keep afloat, still not too much effort. Pretty soon it's all you can do to keep from drowning. Struggling just to survive, fighting to stay alive. Look back and remember just floating along. A raft drifts by, grab it in desperation, intoxication with the thought of safety. Climb aboard and the sea calms. Floating again, the boat that keeps you afloat. And all seems good. Then a hole appears, water comes in. The wind dies, going nowhere. Trying to keep the boat going and trying to survive. Splinters get under the skin, the boat creaks and cracks, the sea attacks. So many problems just to stay afloat. Maybe it's better to abandon ship and swim for shore. Can't keep the boat afloat anymore. Sink the boat that keeps you afloat, abandon to the water or fight for both? How can you sink the one thing keeping you up? But you know there's something better if only you'd let go. You see another raft in the distance. Or is it really there? Decide.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
laundry day
Going through the closet and finding a old shirt that you haven't worn for a while. Looking closer it looks like a good shirt to wear, just needs a wash. Laundry day again. A big pile just sits there waiting, things that haven't been worn for some time. Take the pile put it in the wash and add your favorite detergent. The liquid goes slowly down the detergent compartment to clean all the old dirt away and make it new. Time passes, not too much but enough to make it good again. THe buzzer goes off warning that it's time to move everything over. Take it all out and put it in the dryer, add a dryer sheet so the clothes are light and fluffy and comfortable. Giving them that soft worn feel against the skin, reasurring and fimilar. The clothes tumble around, genlty, warm air surrounding them. More time passes, again not long just enough till the dryer dings announcing everything is ready. Open the door and pull out the fresh clean and refined clothing. Put on the shirt and feel the fimilar comfortable feel against your skin. This shirt has been here before, through teh cycle; it has helped through tough times and good times. Wear the shirt around for a while. Slowly the clean starts to fade, dirt and grime work its way in. The fresh smell disapates, it gets old. The soft feel of the fabric turns rough and rubs agains skin. Too much time has passed, time to take off the shirt. It gets folded and put away to be used at a later time possibly, or it's just done with and time for a new shirt. And eventually the process starts all over again. Laundry day.
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