city lights

City Lights
I sit here in my studio apartment over looking eighty fourth and sixty second street. The sound of raindrops lulls my mind as they plink against the window. The pillows on the window seat under me contort to the shape of my body softly. My black dress crumples around my legs, hiked up around my thighs. My bare feet lay naked on the sill, pale in the darkness of the night. Hair spills around my face, what used to be neat curls are now lazy waves. The street lights glow giving direction to those who walk below. The lights change, cars go and people move. I can’t see faces; just umbrella’s and shapes as the figures on the sidewalk move quickly to get out of the rain. Cars splash, leaving little trails behind. Everything seems to have a reason, a purpose. I used to have a reason. I used to have a purpose.
My college life was everything one could hope for. I lived for each day and the people in it. Some came, some went but two stayed, always. Samantha and Scott were my two best friends. Every decision I made they were there, in my mind. I did everything for them, and they for me. Love grew for both of them, in different ways. Samantha was like the sister I never had, Scott was the one boy I learned to let in. They both meant as much to me as family. My father was young and healthy, my mother a feminine spirited woman. Through the four years of college life the three of us went up and down. They were there for me when I was sick, depressed, on the verge of alcoholism, scared and alone. I was there for them as boyfriends and girlfriends came and went. As financial troubles pressed Scott. We shared in the joy of road trips, concerts, party nights, moving, living. The three of us did crazy things, shared many conversations and more laughter. Always we were there for each other. Classes came and went. Each of us moved a few times around the city. We stood side by side as trials hit us like waves on a sea wall. We were strong, together we made it through everything. Senior year my father died from a heart attack. Scott and Sam stood strong on either side of me, keeping me afloat when I was too weak to stand on my own. Scott fell into financial ruin and Sam and I helped him work through it. The economy failed making it hard for any of us to find jobs and pay bills. We moved in together, eating ramen and macaroni and cheese by candle light to save money. My life, my purpose was propelled by these two. Scott got sick and was in the hospital, I was in New York. I bought a ticket off someone who was boarding the next plane to Atlanta and got there as fast as I could. We celebrated when he got his first big job/internship with a prominent advertising company. I cried with joy when Samantha got married to that special young man. College was great, a little microcosm of protection we lived in.
Samantha moved away when her husband was transferred by his company to another city. We still spoke often; she had a child, then another. Her life had altered. Her world was her husband and children, as it should be. Scott and I moved into the city, he working with an advertising company, making big money. I lived comfortably in my flat as an upcoming lawyer. We got together often for lunch or to hang out, but our jobs consumed both of us. I went out and partied occasionally but it held nothing for me, it was empty. A few months after moving to the city I was told my mother had Alzheimer’s. Over the next year I went to see her until she wouldn’t even remember who I was. Scott held me many nights after I made these trips. Sam visited, showing me her family, the life she had made. She had a successful career as an interior decorator. Then Scott’s company went bankrupt. The CEO had embezzled millions, he was going to lose everything. His girlfriend walked out on him when she heard. I was at work when I received the news; Scott had hung himself. His life was his job, the things he had worked for. The funeral was two days later. The ceremony was beautiful, Samantha was there. I set a red rose on top of the rich wood coffin. We went back to my place and had coffee while we remembered all the times we had. Samantha eventually went to bed, I stayed up thinking. What had I built? What was my life? I looked around and saw the couch I bought, the hardwood floors, the city life below. I saw the bowls and plates that gave color to my kitchen and finally the pictures that littered my desk. The faces of my father, my mother, Samantha and Scott stared back at me. Sam stayed for a week but had to return to her family, her life.
I reflected on all these things as I sit here and watch the hectic pace of the people walking in the city. It is so full of life, so many people out there working to make their dreams, to find their purpose. Each one is fighting to make their own way. People are full of hope, of expectations. Everyone is also full of fear. Fear that that hope will fail, collapse. It is not failing that scares us, it is fear of losing hope, losing dreams. So what if I had a successful career? I had an amazing loft in the city, enough money to live comfortably, no worries really. But I had no worries because I had nothing. God says he will never give us a trial we cannot make it through. And so in this moment I have also lost my faith, the last shred of hope I could hold onto. Tears on my face quickly match the drops running down the glass panes inches in front of me. So true to form I pick up my gun, say a prayer and go out with a bang.

sandman

Surrounded by darkness, its black depths cocoon you in a blanket of safety. Laying there, listening to the rain tapping on the window. Each drop making a soft plink as it lands, a gentle rhythm of life. Soothing and calming, as the cold bitter wind blows outside. Drifting slowly, wrapped in soft blankets that smell like soap detergent and people. Warm and happy as you creep toward the barrier between reality and dream. Glowing lights from the street seep through the cracks in the blinds, giving a soft glow like lightning bugs. The white ceiling with its spiked and speckled texture reflects shadows as cars pass by the window. Quiet and calm, eyes flitter as they begin to close, passing to another world. Hearing the sounds of friends in the next room, feeling the warmth of the blankets, of the soft bed beneath, and the rhythm of the rain like a lullaby, rocking you to fairytale kingdoms and places where anything is possible. Leaving one world for another, temporarily, leaving everything behind. Knowing while the mind leaves you are safe. Feeling secure and sheltered, like nothing could go wrong. As content in one world as in the next, but each gets a turn. The balance between what is and what could be, what was and what might. Walking through a candy forest as it rains gumdrops, you can hear them hit the ground. Light seeping under the door disappears as someone passes by. A knight in armor rides up next to you, casting a shadow over you. The sound of soft footfalls as they walk back to their room. And you ride off toward the castle, the journey begins.

Eleven

One day with you
Two days alone
Three times the charm
Four makes it even
Five choices
Six failures
Seven answers
Eight questions
Nine lives
Ten pins, they all fall down.

Footprints

I remember it was
But no longer is
What could have been
Will no longer be
It's a slow fade
To forget
Or even to have to remember
Solidity becomes spirit
Warmth becomes cool
The present is the past
Living in a ghost
Like a knife
During the day stabs
Haunts your dreams
In the dark of the night
When you fall
There is nothing there to catch you
It is all shadows
Fake, false promises
Reach out for safety
And find your hands slip through
Left alone, behind
Shadows of the past
It was
But no longer is
It could have been
But will never be
It brings a smile to your lips
But an ache to your heart
A tear to your eye
A warmth to your spirit
Torn, don't want to forget
But it hurts to remember
Like the image of a footprint
On the sand
Slow to fade away
The signs are still there
Imprinted, reminding
Time passes
The print fades
But it is not gone
Remembering it is there
Forget and it is done
The destiny of all things
To pass and live only
In the land of things eternal
To be remembered.

the sinner's plea

I'm tired of stumbling in the darkness
And being blinded by the light
I'm tired of losing battles, I no longer want to fight
My soul is beaten, battered
My heart is tired and torn
My body is so broken, my mind is worn
All I want is peace, just a little joy
I'm tired of being tossed around like some old useless toy
Like a yen without a yang, like a ship without a sail
I fell like no matter what I try all I do is fail
It's not that I don't want to work
Or I don't want to try
But all the hurt and frustration makes me want to cry
I'm all alone and lost wandering around
Give me wings to fly instead of crawling on the ground

I wish, I wait, I wonder as time goes by
With every new heartache my soul slowly dies
I feel so alone, so abandon and forgotten
No one cares what they step on,
Where their footprints trodden
And as the dreams go by I begin to lust
All I want is happiness, that is all I ask
Yet no one can provide this easily filled task
In my many trials I try to fill the hole
With different pills and alcohol but in the end I know
That I will still be empty, nothing will quite do
I've slowly come to realize what I need is you

Through the joy I see in others, the smiles on their faces
Makes me want to follow them to all of the places,
That they go and see where they find it all
The place I've come to realize is not a place at all
Instead it is a God full of mercy and of grace
Can he save this sinner from this lonely place?
He gave me white upon birth, I've turned it into black
And now I am afraid it's too late to go back
Alone it's true I'm helpless, there's nothing I can do
But the love of God will always see me through.

take the wheel

I drove down the road going quickly but safely. Purpose and goals drove me onward to the promise of good things. The road was straight and smooth with some traffic but not blocking my way. I counted down the miles to the half way point of my destination. Each sign I read as I drove by affirmed I was where I needed to be. The day was a perfect day for driving; sunny with blue skies, white poufy clouds and endless potential. Soft music spilled out of the speakers, calm and soothing. Fresh air rolled through the open windows.
Finally I arrived to the halfway point and stopped to refill my tank and get snacks. I knew exactly where I was going, having planned the whole trip on my road map. I stepped up to the plastic cold counter and, feeling a little rebellious, picked up a pack of cigarettes too. Never having smoked this was a surprising decision, but I had already made it this far doing the same thing, time to try something new. Everyone always says expand your horizons, although I don’t think this is what they meant.
I pulled back out onto the road. Few cars passed me but I was in no hurry. The flame from my lighter burst up allowing me to inhale that first drag. One hand was on the steering wheel, the other out the window with the cigarette, I drove on. A fork in the road came up, right or left. I knew the map said go right, continue on the same straight road. But a voice in my ear whispered go left. I knew the left would lead me to the same destination, it was just windier. I decided to go left and see where it would take me. Out of the way this road had less traffic and a slower speed limit but I ignored both, cruising along, still in control. The cd that had been playing ended and I rummaged through my glove box to find something new. An unmarked disc caught my eye and I put it in, curious. The music was heavy with a deep bass that rattled the windows. I enjoyed the new beat. Another fork came up and this time I didn’t think, just went left. I figured if I got lost I could always turn around. The road banked a little more here, preventing me from seeing what was ahead all the time. Sharper turns made me change my driving style a little. I allowed the car to slide more, giving into the curves. This road was even more obscure so there was little risk of running into a cop.
Another fork came up and I knew going right would lead me back to the main drag. The old road and destination held no interest anymore. Going straight, heading for my old goal seemed boring, like something from long ago. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to reach my past destination, although I knew I was still close enough to go there. A sharp turn caught me off guard and I fishtailed but regained control. Perhaps I had been going a little recklessly. My speed slowed down and I wondered for the first time if I should turn around. The sign I passed made me realize I didn’t know where I was or where I was going. Unfortunately the road did not lend to such a decision, I would have to wait for a gas station or something. I drove on and slowly my speedometer crept up again to breakneck speeds. No goal or purpose drove me on, just adrenaline and curiosity. Who cared where I was supposed to be, just go along and enjoy the ride.
The sky began to darken and black clouds loomed on the horizon. A few drops of rain splattered on the windshield, growing in number but still light. I enjoyed the sound of the drops hitting my car. The wet made things more dangerous but also made me happy so I continued on ignoring the danger and reveling in the benefits. I passed a sign, ignoring it as I was going too fast to read. Another popped up, something about slowing speed. I was still in control I didn’t need someone else to tell me what to do. Suddenly a sharp turn caught me. Total loss of control and panic engulfed me as the car hydroplaned. Everything was spinning in chaos.

“car going recklessly fast and the driver apparently lost. Road empty of people or patrol.” The police report read. Because the road had been empty it had taken a while for anyone to notice the accident. “If only the driver had been paying attention to the warning signs, going slower, or if she had been on the main drag things might have been different,” the cops said. Control might have been regained if she had had both hands on the wheel and not been distracted by the music, things could have been different. Family and friends didn’t know how this happened. The girl they had watched leave was calculating, safe, logical not self destructive and reckless. This didn’t sound like her. But the girl who got in the car and the one they pulled out were two different people who shared the same fate.